Oh Xanga, it has been too long...

Well, I decided to type out a post since I haven't been on here in ages and I am having a rough time right now and having an outlet that no one reads anymore will hopeful help me de-stress a bit. Where to start... I just graduated with a Bachelors degree in Dental Hygiene from Southern Illinois University-Carbondale. I spent three short and wonderful years down in Southern Illinois and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have met some amazing, and not so amazing people on my journey and those people have shaped me into the woman I am today. I have learned many lessons from being away at school. One lesson that stands out the most is that some people may not care about you as much as you care about them and there is nothing you can do about it. I had two friendships thats I poured my heart into and considered the girls to be close friends, but in the end I was left feeling that I was just a giver and did not receive a thing in these one-sided friendships. I have learned from these people that sometimes you have to just let people go because no matter how hard you try to see change in them, they will never change.

I used to think that my compassion for others was my greatest quality, but it seems to just cause me so much pain. As a dental hygienist, I really do care for my patients and it makes me proud to see that they can tell how much I do care. Outside of the office and into the great big world, however, people are not as appreciative of the compassion you give toward them. I would say that I will just stop caring all together and just do things for myself from now on, but my heart guides me in everything that I do and it would simply be impossible to stop caring.

Something else that is really taking its toll on me is the ending of a 4-year relationship with a person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. A year ago I was so certain I would spend the rest of my days with this man, but the tolls of this past year had made our relationship a great challenge. I would give anything to feel the way I once did, but I don't know how to get back there. I am trying so hard to find the answer and it has been a real struggle. I feel lost without him, like I have been lead out into the woods blind-folded and I have no idea how to get home. I have lost my best friend and I feel like I have lost a part of who I am as well.

Having recently graduated from college, I feel as if I do not have a role. Two weeks ago I was a student...now with jobs scarce in the area, I feel like I am just unemployed. Leaving college and my boyfriend/best friend has made me feel as if I have lost my identity. I do not know who I am or who I want to become. This is definitely the worst feeling I have had in my life. I am scared of everything...getting a job, where that job will be, eventually getting a place of my own, and if I will be reunited with him or if our relationship will be lost forever.

I do not want to make stupid mistakes. I want to do this right and not hurt anyone more than I already have hurt throughout this time. I will get back on track, but it will take time... I just wish I could flip forward a few pages to see how it turns out...

Bay Jammer was a blast this year! Every other year we've come away with only one ribbon, but this year we placed in sooo many events! I know, I know...it's not about the winning, but still...we did pretty fricken awesome! I know I had a blast, and I'm pretty sure the others did as well. This was probably the best year so far in my book! Well, that's all .

i repeat...*sigh

Well, today was my b-day and i must say it was swell! Started off the day getting a phone call from my bradleykins lol then it was off to lunch with troy and mi madre. I got honked at...it was awesome! lol... went to the mall, picked up a little something, and then proceeded to the pet shop where i saw the cutest puppy ever! soooo precious ....after that, my girl brittany came over and we chatted a bit and i openned my gift from her (thanks brit!). THEN i made my way over to brad's house to have dinner with his fam and then it was off to the Riverhawks game! woot! That was SO much fun, and my name was announced over the thingy! It was a grand time, mostly cuz i was with the most adorable person on the face of the earth! .... but yea, then i drove home and here i am. I'd say it was one of the best birthdays ever, hands down. So yea, hope you all have a great night! Mwa!